Saturday, August 17

 
the beast is finally dead, and yes, that is my spear poking out of its ass*. r.a. training classes are finally over and i am now free to catch up on a week's worth of sleep deprivation. we ended yesterday with a day of mock residential situations. i especially rocked my performances - i am now fully prepared to deal with date rape ("tell me about it, sweetheart. oh, you took an opened beer from him? why don't you just get a goddamn magic marker and scrawl 'rape me' above your tube top?!?") and break up freshman parties ("you expect me to believe those are fucking cokes in your microfridge? that's it, cowboys, you're all getting written up!")

i am going to be the best r.a. ever.

as a reward for finishing our training we were all treated to a nice dinner and dance at the radisson. there was a beach theme so most people came in sarongs or hawaiian shirts, depending on their gender (though as staff members of the office for greek and residential life we are open to all life and style choices.) however, one staff - community, the r.a.'s in charge of the off-campus apartments - stole the show when they interpreted "beach" a little differently: as in, "you want a piece of this, beach?" so they all came dressed as "beaches and pimps". it was breathtaking. how often do you get to see a dozen of the university's finest strut in with fur-lined capes and canes? and when one of the pimps, escorting a petite asian hooker on his arm, told another r.a., "you can't afford china doll," i had the realization that i really should've applied to that staff.

after that my good friend and i went to her boyfriend's 21st birthday party. it was a theme party - "decades" - and there was one supremely surreal moment where i was standing on a dirt lot of a front lawn, two blocks from the ocean, surrounded by frat boys in checkered pants, t-shirts and sports coats, listening to reo speedwagon proclaim that they built this city on rock n' roll. i just stood there thinking, i love college.

in addition, i got "chatted up" (i think i stole that phrase from mary-kate and ashley) for a portion of the party by a guy with a pompadour. at the end of the night it turned out that he was the house president. not that that made him any more interesting or good-lucking. but still, the prom queen side of me sort of liked it. i like to think that i attract important men.

you're thinking i'm shallow, right? well, sucks to your assmar.

*obviously a reference, and not just me being sick (for a change).
posted by from shannon at 11:09 PM

Thursday, August 15

 
r.a. training lasted twelve hours today, but at least i got to hold a fire extinguisher. and put out a fire. yeah, that's right, i am a badass, thank you very much. part of our training involved shooting carbon dioxide at this fire that shot out of a metal box outside. the box was hooked up to a tank of gasoline and was activated by a big red button like presidential nuclear detonator or similar. i was awesome, too - totally fearless. ron howard would've been proud.

stand back, billy baldwin - there's a new sheriff in town.
posted by from shannon at 12:15 AM

Wednesday, August 14

 
milkshakes and chili fries at midnight: one of the best l.a. combinations.

r.a. training continues. to sum things up to this point: chocolate milkshakes contain the equivalent of 41 sugar packets and i should not sleep with freshman boys.

the staff time is pretty fun, though. last night we worked on a video we are showing to the new freshmen. one segment is a public service announcement about how alcohol impairs your judgment. imagine me sitting in a chair by the fireplace saying, "i know he was only fourteen, but i say if there's grass on the field, play ball!" and you'll get the idea of what kind of r.a. i am going to be.

also, lindy and my brother came over tonight to help me start my door decks (the decorative glorified nametages for each residen'ts door.) any excuse to use glue guns is enough motivation for me, but since my floor's theme is vegas, we are having special amounts of fun. some good ideas include changing the "resident advisor" on my door to "pit boss" and having my girls be known as the "down and dirty" floor.

i love vegas.

p.s. there is a weird smell emanating from one of the dorm rooms on my floor. it is very gross and i can only guess at what it is.
posted by from shannon at 1:46 AM

 
to the cheerleader who pooped under one of the dorm beds:

you shouldn't have done that.

sincerely,
shannon
posted by from shannon at 1:39 AM

Sunday, August 11

 
"i don't understand, she sobbed. "why are you mocking me like this? only a few hours ago you promised it would be enouigh simply to call me your wife."

"well, i've changed my mind!" i shouted suddenly, throwing the organ stool across the room with a savage force that that brought the red hangings down upon the coffin. "perhaps i don't want a druid sacrifice after all, a petrified little girl who shrinks from my touch and tries to commit suicide the moment i leave her alone. perhaps i don't want a dead wife in a glass coffin. i don't want you, christine, are you so vain, so stupid that you can't comprehend that? i don't want your pity or your fear - i don't want you!"

i saw phantom of the opera this afternoon.

today was my fifth time - it is my favorite theatrical extravaganza. it never fails to move me to total despair. i love romantic tragedies, and this is the best of 'em. the quote, however, is actually not from the play, but rather from my favorite book, phantom, based on the same story. i'm just in a phantomy mood so i thought i'd throw that up there, since it's been on my mind. also, i want to ask my loyal readers to please email me with quotes from their favorite books this week. then i can put them up and it'll be like we have a book club. (cue "reading rainbow" theme music)

last - i do want to say that i think christine makes the wrong decision in the end. i wish she could just love the phantom. i would. that's really the problem with my love life right now - all these happy, pretty boys with symmetrical features hanging around. gross. give me a tortured soul with serious disfigurement any day.

posted by from shannon at 1:36 AM

 
the cheerleaders are moving out today. i'm surprisingly sad. i've sort of adopted them now as my residents. we really hit it off. last night some of them invited me to a movie and today one of them told me i looked pretty in my dress. i feel like i really made a difference in their lives and i'm definitely going to miss these kids.

goodbye, cheerleaders.


posted by from shannon at 1:01 AM